~First Words After the Worst Writer’s Block~


i am in a state of absolute catatonic instability. at the mercy of
big pharma is where i currently reside due to the state of health
i was in. i believe that the cause was a house in a valley built
eighty years ago by masons rented out to whimsical spirits that
they thought would nurture the home. the condition of the house
remains a mystery however all sane tenants have realized what the
house was doing to us all. theories of black mold and potential
asbestos poisoning procured in my head. after leaving that house
my health didn’t stand a chance. florida’s humidity and second
hand smoke continued to deteriorate my physical being. after a
trip to the er in Flagler, seven days lying ill on a couch, and
fifty eight hours of involuntary fasting, i made my return to the
family home base. a week of attempted healing went by and still no
luck. i had to cave and asked my mother to take me to the
hospital. the only other option at that point was death. i knew i
still had unfinished business and light work in this world so i
dropped my ethics and turned to western medicine. after being
poked, probed, questioned, drugged and hooked up to an iv i told
my mom to call it a night, i was going to be here awhile. i spent
seven patient hours in the er of my local hospital waiting to be
admitted. a cat scan and chest xray later it was 4am and i was
finally being moved to the fifth floor.

insert additional details of hospital times here
eleven days of keeping my spirit strong and composed with only
one mental break. i was discharged and on my way down recovery
road. i was returned to the home base with seven different
prescriptions. dilaudid, zofran, cipro, flagyl, iron, levsin,
prednisone; steroids, pain killers, nausea fix, antibiotics and
anemia help. the combination of all these meds have left me with a
very small appetite, a constantly shaking body, nightmares, wildly
far out lucid dreams, night sweats, a severe drought for my skin,
consistent dry mouth followed by a disgusting taste that never
leaves my tongue, and a more scattered mind than a six year old
with attention deficit hyperactive disorder. in all my days, drug
induced or not, i have never been so fogged by pharmaceuticals. i
can barely stand for more than an hour, i can’t write; i have to
force myself to speak to surrounding humans and not stare
aimlessly at the sky with a head that is as empty as tupperware.
for the time being i have completely turned into an apathetic
basket case.

no rush, no questions: i have decided to remain in this disturbing
silence while on all these medications because time goes by too
quickly to be angry or negative about anything in life. we have
every single new moon and rising sun to start fresh and be reborn.


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