I hate the process of making money and I commend bartering. That was my lifestyle for awhile and man it was lovely. My sisters children whom I am blessed to look after and help develop and grow. But are such a pain in the ass some times like most kids can be. I recently found this collection of thoughts while browsing mt moms laptop. Disclaimer..in might be slightly redundant to what I recently posted.
Once being discharged from the hospital, driving mindlessly down recovery road for a month give or so, I made a deal with my older sister to nanny her children. I only have mild baby sitting experience and its usually with older kids. I never knew substitute parenting would be so stressful. I could never birth children at my age. Most of my post medical days were spent with screaming who didn’t want me to be sitting with them. Fortunately I was blessed enough to sit at my home base, thinking about my life; where I would go if my car was still in existence. Who I’d become if only I was published and got out of my house more. Isolation gives and takes away if you’re in it for too long. No wonder people grow even madder when put into solitary confinement. Back to the first tangent; post medical days. Instead of resting or getting my life back on track socially and in the 757 community. I decided to make some more tax free money by caretaking for my now 8-5 working sister. So everyone has a day job, and I am responsible for the children. I’ve never had to care for another person this extensively except for myself ever. Small babysitting jobs don’t compare, but I can honestly say dog-sitting was more suited. At least I could read a chapter or write a page while animal sitting. A five year old leo princess and a separation anxious, teething 10 month old. What a life. Meanwhile I sit trying to gather potential energy for when the children need me to turn it to kinetic. The depression lingers from the hospital and just the whole flare. I had come out of hiatus for about two weeks but then Mercury began retrograde so things started to roll down that hill I had just climbed up. Weaving has been my main focus but I need to put energy and time into my other hobbies. I try to find inspiration to write or flow but I don’t find any while in a tamas* state of mind. I wish I could at least get to rajas I could make some progress toward sattva again. I was definitely in that right when I was released but it was drug induced so in my head it doesn’t count. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly content. Being back in this house doing the same routine now with children has driven me into a rut of writers block, insomnia, and self-destructive eating habits. I still have things I need to post but can’t find my words. The smell of mothballs and children linger in my nose until I begin cooking when everyone is asleep or occupied. If I could I would leave these earthly no goods behind me and return to creator. I don’t believe im worthy of that yet. I have checked out books that I could find on Hunter Thompson so that I can just hear him for a while. I need a good gonzo kick in the ass to find my muse again. All the forms of circles I am able to create help me to stay afloat among the reality of shit I float in.
*tamas- one of three gunas, ayurvedic states of mind that yoga can help to establish and balance. This is the state of the mind where we feel jaded or unable to act to better the situation or we act blinded.
*rajas-where we are compelled to act because of unhappiness or desire.