After the hospital I was unable to remember my dreams anymore, probably due to the amount of pills I was put on, but I recently have been getting back into my dream work. I finally had a lucid dream after talking for about two hours with a close Virgo of mine now living in Taos, New Mexico. I don’t often speak of my problems of discontent with many people but he is one I can discuss my issues with and he’ll give me an honest unbiased answer. As well as some spiritual guidance and advice that I actually take to heart. So I told him that I was feeling as though I had once again ended up in a tamas* state of mind and it was starting to kill me on all three levels (physically, mentally, spiritually). Once realizing my father is a drunken asshole that I have too much in common with, I was driven into a heavy depression upon returning to 757 and moving back in with my mother, sister, step father, my 5 year old niece and infant nephew. That was the last time I was in such heavy tamas (minus the grim grid I faced while in Weaverville).
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I feel back in a rut deeper than ever and it’s flooding me with uninspired thoughts that revolve around the beauty of death. I back where I was a year ago right before I left Virginia Beach and attempted to live with my father. I don’t think I told that story online but if you asked me in person I often tell the tale without remorse anymore. Anyways, that was a time where I was making tax free income and still living at home. Things turned around after an intense mushroom trip in Suwannee music campground in Florida. I’m in a similar situation, however this time I have no car and my income forces me to stay in the house. In other words in voluntarily on house arrest because I don’t have a car and have drifted once again from my closer friends. My family is lovely but I cannot live with them. They are too separate from Creator and from themselves and from me. They are all attached to egos and money. Which is what I have to do right now to survive and I hate it. At least when I was traveling I never worried about money or myself. Just being sure I laid low and wasn’t stupid. Semi-successful with that. Fuck. I’m 21 years old and what some people would call a burn out still living with my family. I haven’t had a job in at least six months and when that job was happening I only worked it for 3 days then left. So technically its been about a year because before that I dog sat and sold crafts. I have the worst writers block and its driving me to drink and make decisions that I wouldn’t on an inspired day chose to do.
Research says that when your are depressed you are more prone to not remember your dreams. So when I started remembering I fooled myself by thinking I was coming out of depression but I was just sinking deeper like Falcor the horse in the Never Ending Story. However I get some good material out of my misery just as a lot of writers do. Thank you Dr. Thompson I still forever and always love you. I only write because of you; I fear I will go out by my own hands as you. Earth is no place for us.
So the dream I had after talking for a while with the old friend, I had an intensely lucid dream where me and my family but it wasn’t my physical earth family, it was symbolically family in a REM induced sleep. I was omniscient in this one which most of the time I don’t have the ability to do anymore. We were driving somewhere up and down hills and there were intentional spikes in the road put but a group of people living close to the site. They came to our apparent rescue and housed us for a night while “fixing” our car. Of course our possessions and all were taken from us. We weren’t aloud to see each other and we had to do all that they said. My family was okay with it, they were not concerned that these people were attempting to control us. I knew immediately after the spikes it was either a Hills Have Eyes situation of a cult. It turned out to be a cult. Warren Jeffs of the FDLS style. My niece was vocal about wanting to stay and my family was just blind by the flashy happiness of the people. I was the only one resisting and making any effort to get out or expose the truth. No one was there for me. I was trapped. Then I was interrupted by the sound of a blender and my sister yelling my name. 7:20 am. Half asleep but unable to get back to the dream to resolve it. That was that, no going back, fucked with that one. My sister came in and I rightly told her about the dream and how I was overwhelmed with taking care of her children because I could barely take care of myself. She had some slight solution that only proved to be temporary.
Now for the analysis part. Edgar Cayce believed that we should be our own dream dictionary because yes sometimes being pregnant in a dream can mean that big change is coming in our life. But we should decide what each symbol means to us because our higher self combined with Creator mix dreams together into our lives. So it’s mostly our subconscious mind considering Creation is some big mystery to us earth dwellers. Therefore we manifest our dream images through what we would think this would mean or what that would mean. Such as pregnancy it might mean big glorious change or really heavy responsibility that we can’t handle.
Okay past the prego simile, the cult is society/ government and the way America portrays how we “should” live. The brain-washers, the deceivers. Public school, college, job, partner, money, baby, repeat school for them, make sure they continue that bogus cycle, 401k, retire, die. Most people have told me that I don’t fit that typical pattern because I have traveled and festy hopped and lived out of my car and done all this nonsense that some people would consider “free spirited”. It’s simply the fact that I don’t want debt besides massive medical bills, and I want to see what the fucking big hollabaloo is about America before I flee it. My family is my earth family here that are so jaded by making money and being attached to I don’t even know what that they don’t even realize how much they have given into the governments plan for us. The spikes put down are the fact that I have to go through red tape with money on every level to do what it is I believe in and continue to pursue my personal purpose and dreams. My resistance is my struggle to get out of a situation I no longer have control over. It all related too well to everything that was currently going on in my life.
I plan to continue my dream studies and I’m going to make more of an effort to get politically involved in the 757/Virginia world and keep trying to break the patterns. I just don’t know what needs to be done, so I’ll do what I know.
Photos by Amanda Sage
*Tamas is the Ayurvedic guna (state of mind) where we cannot discern how to make our selves happy and reduce our discontent. With this guna comes acting abnormally, not acting at all, or blind action.