I’ve rebranded my site and turned it into a more personal journal and writings outlet for myself. I’m trying to regain my voice, find the words that once cluttered my head, but now it’s empty. I’ve no words left. I feel no motivation. The only thing I’m working toward these days is leaving the place that I’m at. I’m not focusing on the right now any more, which clearly isn’t helping. I’m no longer wandering and that seemed to be my only means of inspiration.
I miss my dad. The real dad that I had before that played Yes albums all the time and was always turning up the radio because a song I liked was playing. The man that I love, and the man I used to know. Not the alcoholic, belligerent drug user, who has no where a bouts and all of us wonder… hmm what is doing with his life? why is he making these choices? My theory is because we are no longer in his life and he has nothing to live for so he drowns in his vices to become numb from the terrible life he leads. Thats the obvious answer.
I quit my vices. Cold turkey. I quit drinking and smoking, and its fucking hard. I know i was heavily addicted or anything but I definitely was leaning hard on those crutches. I can’t wait for all this bull shit court malarkey to be over and done with. Once this is out of my life, the only stresses will be the typical ones (money, health, etc.) and I’ll be able to cope and deal with them the only way I know how. Drowning in my vices. Like father like daughter. And I was always the daddy’s girl. What do I do now if I can’t wander?