I just found this on my iPad, and today was a very emotional day leaving me with feelings of regret and self doubt. I don’t have a good prompt to write about today so I felt like sharing an old story about an old time.
i am in a state of absolute catatonic instability. at the mercy of big pharma is where i currently reside due to the state of health i was in.
i believe that the cause was a house in a valley, built eighty years ago by free masons rented out to whimsical spirits that thought could nurture the home. the condition of the house remains a mystery, however all sane tenants have realized what the house was doing to us all. theories of black mold and potential asbestos poisoning procured in my head, perhaps lead or other toxins. after leaving that house my health didn’t stand a chance.
florida’s humidity and second hand smoke continued to deteriorate my physical being. after a trip to the ER in Flagler, seven days of lying ill on a couch, and fifty eight hours of involuntary fasting, i made my return to the family home base. a week of attempted healing went by and still no luck. i had to cave and asked my mother to take me to the hospital. the only other option at that point was a slow, encompassing death. i knew i still had unfinished business and light work in this world so i dropped my ethics and turned to western medicine.
after being poked, probed, questioned, drugged and hooked up to an iv, i told my mom to call it a night, i was going to be here awhile. i spent seven patient hours in the ER of my local hospital waiting to be admitted. a cat scan and chest xray later it was 4am and i was finally being moved to the fifth floor.
This was the surgery ward, which i thought was odd, but whatever.
eleven days of keeping my spirit strong and composed with only one mental break down, i was discharged and on my way down recovery road. i was returned to the home base with seven different prescriptions. dilaudid, zofran, cipro, flagyl, iron, levsin, prednisone; steroids, pain killers, nausea fix, antibiotics and anemia help.
the combination of all these meds have left me with a very small appetite, a constantly shaking body, nightmares, wildly far out lucid dreams, night sweats, a severe drought for my skin, consistent dry mouth followed by a disgusting taste that never leaves my tongue, and a more scattered mind than a six year old with attention deficit hyperactive disorder.
in all my days, drug induced or not, i have never been so fogged by pharmaceuticals. i can barely stand for more than an hour, i can’t write; i have to force myself to speak to surrounding humans and not stare aimlessly at the sky with a head that is as empty as new tupperware. for the time being i have completely turned into an apathetic basket case.
no rush, no questions: i have decided to remain in this disturbing silence while on all these medications because time goes by too quickly to be angry or negative about anything in life. we have every single new moon and rising sun to start fresh and be reborn.
blessings and thank you