I quit my job impulsively. I have weird commitment and abandonment issues, whatever. We all do, we’re millennials.
This door to door sales job was making my anxiety go through the roof, it made me feel like a different person asking people for money while being paid a good amount of money. Its one thing selling art but its another when thats your job.
I’ve been on edge for the past two days because I’m trying to work out ‘what will I do?’ I am so scared of having my jenga tower fall to the ground. So Im pulling out the last piece holding this tower up so slowly that it’s making me have break down and respiratory issues on a daily basis.
What will I do?
DO DO DO DO DO DO
Why do I have to do anything? Why can’t I just BE?
It seems that simple, but if you want an independent life in America free from the world of capitalism, your probably on a tv show to exploit your minimalism to the rest of the world in a blatant mocking of the American lifestyle itself.
That was unkind I’m sorry but I needed to get it out.
Its easy for us to train hop and hitch hike around, but unfortunately I have a rampant colon whose lining occasionally gets holes in it, due to stress and bad diet, so it’s not easy for me to scale down and leave in my car.
I need balance.
I thought I had it, but I was wrong.
I view it as a test that I didn’t pass, that’s why I feel so shitty.
I keep trying to shove out my upset. Forcing myself away from it and piling on more guilt for even being upset about something as minuscule as this. I’m not acknowledging my shadow side which is feeding fire with lighter fluid. I need to embrace it and remember that its the me that just needs to held close and spooned. It needs not to be criticized and made to feel even worse for being sad. Like the movie Inside Out. What profound childrens movies. I can’t be mad at my sadness, it can’t help that its there. Its just as sad about being in existence. Instead of pushing it out or trying to distract it I am embracing it with a deep heart center hug.
I’ve been working hard to slay my conditioning of dualism. Recognizing the oneness I am and the unity between my shadow and light has been more prevalent that any self realization I’ve ever had. I have ptsd, I have sever anxiety and depression. That makes it all the more better when I can feel joy again. It’s giving me a tolerance break if you pick up what Im putting down 😉
I bow deeply and thank you if you read this far.
Namaste dear ones
Here’s a short free verse
Seemingly two. Naturally one.
Without the sun there is no shadow.
With the sun comes a dark silhouette of the temple
To note that one with out another is no thing
and one thing.
*photos are not mine 🙂 the second is the ever beaming amanda sage*