HA. This was the most perfect daily post word, ironic and universal. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted on the daily post blog, but I’m happy to be back and partaking in this community. So thank you, if you are reading this.
I’ve always been nervous. Everyone gets that feeling. The butterflies in stomach, the sweat before a big interview, meeting a mate from the internet in person. Life is nervous making.
During my time in Richmond, I was given the victim hat. That is a hat I never knew how to wear. I try to be the warrior, the mega optimist in all this diarrhea we wade through. But Richmond fucked me up. People ask what happened, how was it, etc. My response, I got a killer record collection and PTSD.
I’m seeing a therapist, I may have to be on anti-anxiety medication or some kind of anti depression which is something I have ALWAYS detested and rejected.
I don’t want to be medicated, I don’t want to be inhibited, I don’t want to have to depend on some drug to make me feel better. That’s why I don’t smoke weed anymore, I try to distain from alcohol, that doesn’t always work but who cares.
But I’m so fucking nervous.
I’m freaking out internally, and occasionally external, about being a ‘victim’, having PTSD, paranoid about walking out to my car by myself, nervous to get a new job, nervous to be alone. There’s so many things that seem to be spiking my already off the charts anxiety. I can barely leave my apartment. I can’t talk to anyone besides my therapist without screaming and going crazy about whatever they’re asking.
I need to breathe.
Even writing this I’m becoming heightened and tense just thinking about that time and admitting my discontent.
I’m in such severe breath debt because of all the disgusting bologna sandwiches I’ve unwilling ingested.
How do we not be nervous? How do I shake the constant feeling of uselessness and timid angst?
Meditate? Move back in with my parents? Leave my boyfriend?
The only solution I’ve come to believe is its in me. The knowledge and advice I need is in me. It may not be an obvious solution, but inside is where it lies. I’ll have to work hard to decipher the code.
It takes time to heal; I always think i’ll wake up one day and be okay. I already am okay. I can’t rush through this life lesson. No spark notes available for how to deal with over anxious, nervous PTSD, depressive tendencies.
Like I said in one of my last posts, I’m trying to embrace my dark, shadow side to better understand how to cope with all this pollution that’s been thrown into my river of peace.
I was also listening to the PERFECT podcast by Aubrey Marcus and Anahata Anada, heres the link;