A Killer Record Collection & PTSD

Nervous

HA. This was the most perfect daily post word, ironic and universal. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted on the daily post blog, but I’m happy to be back and partaking in this community. So thank you, if you are reading this.

I’ve always been nervous. Everyone gets that feeling. The butterflies in stomach, the sweat before a big interview, meeting a mate from the internet in person. Life is nervous making.

During my time in Richmond, I was given the victim hat. That is a hat I never knew how to wear. I try to be the warrior, the mega optimist in all this diarrhea we wade through. But Richmond fucked me up. People ask what happened, how was it, etc. My response, I got a killer record collection and PTSD.

I’m seeing a therapist, I may have to be on anti-anxiety medication or some kind of anti depression which is something I have ALWAYS detested and rejected.

I don’t want to be medicated, I don’t want to be inhibited, I don’t want to have to depend on some drug to make me feel better. That’s why I don’t smoke weed anymore, I try to distain from alcohol, that doesn’t always work but who cares.

But I’m so fucking nervous.

I’m freaking out internally, and occasionally external, about being a ‘victim’, having PTSD, paranoid about walking out to my car by myself, nervous to get a new job, nervous to be alone. There’s so many things that seem to be spiking my already off the charts anxiety. I can barely leave my apartment. I can’t talk to anyone besides my therapist without screaming and going crazy about whatever they’re asking.

I need to breathe.

Even writing this I’m becoming heightened and tense just thinking about that time and admitting my discontent.

I’m in such severe breath debt because of all the disgusting bologna sandwiches I’ve unwilling ingested.

How do we not be nervous? How do I shake the constant feeling of uselessness and timid angst?

Meditate? Move back in with my parents? Leave my boyfriend?

The only solution I’ve come to believe is its in me. The knowledge and advice I need is in me. It may not be an obvious solution, but inside is where it lies. I’ll have to work hard to decipher the code.

It takes time to heal; I always think i’ll wake up one day and be okay. I already am okay. I can’t rush through this life lesson. No spark notes available for how to deal with over anxious, nervous PTSD, depressive tendencies.

Like I said in one of my last posts, I’m trying to embrace my dark, shadow side to better understand how to cope with all this pollution that’s been thrown into my river of peace.

I was also listening to the PERFECT podcast by Aubrey Marcus and Anahata Anada, heres the link;

Healing trauma and planting roots

Namaste

Dealing with Depersonalization

This is a disorder I never had a name for. It was always just a phrase ‘I can’t tell the difference between reality and the dream world. It feels as though the dream state was my waking life and my conscious mind is a dream state.’ A feeling of separation from the body and mind and the world that surrounds them. Feelings of no control and lucidly watching your life pass before your eyes. A good friend of mine told me about that because I gave her that over used phrase and she said ‘Oh my gosh I’ve dealt with depersonalization and its so awful!’ I had no idea that was even a symptom or disorder I just figured I was going crazy and diving to far and deep into my subconscious that the lines between the worlds were becoming skewed.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

6a23da73c834619530a085e1f7e52133Depersonalization, or derealization, can occur as a symptom after a post traumatic stressor or other psychological disorders. It can happen in certain instants such as a panic attack or after the traumatic experience, but in some cases it can occur over the course of your life and become a terrifying time of unhinged mania.

Lately, since I haven’t been smoking weed, the sober life has been allowing me to dive into my dream world and better understand the deeper meanings they hold. However, since I have been having supreme lucid, vivid dreams, they feel too real. I can control the outcome, the timing, what I’m saying, all the factors, but in doing so, I wake up and can’t control this cosmic universe I live in and it drives me insane.

I feel like this is the wrong place, like I’m not supposed to be here, I should be elsewhere. Which is why I think I impulsively live my life, i.e. quit my job and leave the state without warning. It’s certainly not a conducive atmosphere to live in especially in this day and age being 23 and self reliant. So what do I do about this? Do I stop dream diving and let that study go?

Hell no.

Did you ever see the movie Inception? Of course you did, but you know how they have a totem? Something to keep them from blending realities and getting lost in the place they’ve created. That’s what I need. I need something to remind me that this is the world I am in and I belong to. The dream world is just that, the dream. Something I want to better understand while trying to understand this insane waking world I live in.

I’ll do some research into this and get back to you on it.

We’ll see how it goes.

In the mean time, I want to share some of the sleep rituals, methods and herbs that have helped  me dive into this study and have unhinged the door between the two worlds.

 Namaste

sources-http://www.minddisorders.com/Del-Fi/Depersonalization-disorder.html

DO or BE?

I quit my job impulsively. I have weird commitment and abandonment issues, whatever. We all do, we’re millennials.

This door to door sales job was making my anxiety go through the roof, it made me feel like a different person asking people for money while being paid a good amount of money. Its one thing selling art but its another when thats your job.

wooden blocks game

I’ve been on edge for the past two days because I’m trying to work out ‘what will I do?’ I am so scared of having my jenga tower fall to the ground. So Im pulling out the last piece holding this tower up so slowly that it’s making me have break down and respiratory issues on a daily basis.

What will I do?

DO DO DO DO DO DO

shit

Why do I have to do anything? Why can’t I just BE?

It seems that simple, but if you want an independent life in America free from the world of capitalism, your probably on a tv show to exploit your minimalism to the rest of the world in a blatant mocking of the American lifestyle itself.

That was unkind I’m sorry but I needed to get it out.

Its easy for us to train hop and hitch hike around, but unfortunately I have a rampant colon whose lining occasionally gets holes in it, due to stress and bad diet, so it’s not easy for me to scale down and leave in my car.

I need balance.

I thought I had it, but I was wrong.

I view it as a test that I didn’t pass, that’s why I feel so shitty.

I keep trying to shove out my upset. Forcing myself away from it and piling on more guilt for even being upset about something as minuscule as this. I’m not acknowledging my shadow side which is feeding fire with lighter fluid. I need to embrace it and remember that its the me that just needs to held close and spooned. It needs not to be criticized and made to feel even worse for being sad. Like the movie Inside Out. What profound childrens movies. I can’t be mad at my sadness, it can’t help that its there. Its just as sad about being in existence. Instead of pushing it out or trying to distract it I am embracing it with a deep heart center hug.

limbic-resonance-by-amanda-sage

I’ve been working hard to slay my conditioning of dualism. Recognizing the oneness I am and the unity between my shadow and light has been more prevalent that any self realization I’ve ever had. I have ptsd, I have sever anxiety and depression. That makes it all the more better when I can feel joy again. It’s giving me a tolerance break if you pick up what Im putting down 😉

I bow deeply and thank you if you read this far.

Namaste dear ones

limbic-resonance-by-amanda-sage

Here’s a short free verse


Seemingly two. Naturally one.

Without the sun there is no shadow.

With the sun comes a dark silhouette of the temple

To note that one with out another is no thing

and one thing.

*photos are not mine 🙂 the second is the ever beaming amanda sage*

its the simple things

The common phrase used is ‘enjoy the little things’

In my opinion, nothing is truly little, if you believe that it all happens with purpose, everything is a butterfly effect of another that holds meaning and is a big impact even if it is a butterfly crossing your path.

So my evolved vision of that phrase is

enjoy the simple things

Everything should be enjoyed. From the shitty trenches to the highest mountain tops of your life. But its those tiny, trivial simplicities of life that we all should appreciate and remember to enjoy. Most of those things get overlooked and taken advantage of because they are so small and seemingly insignificant.

Like a cup of coffee

Or someone letting you go first at a stop sign

Those simple acts of the universe are the ones that should be revered and be used to remind us that we are eternally grateful for this body and this breath.

Thats just my subjective experience.

The simple things should be enjoyed; the wind, a rainbow, the crazy tall skyscraper that blocks your view of the ocean.

Although I disagree with that last one, its still something I am amazed with and grateful for because I could never do that shit, but its still an incredible work of the collective whether its good or bad is all subjective.

But just keep in mind, enjoy the simple things because nothing in (my) life is little.

High Atus

Sorry for the seemingly absent posts. I recently began a new job, will be moving yet again, and am currently dealing with crazies flooding my turf. I’ve been deep at work into my music and dream studies and hope to post more about everything very, very soon!

Many thanks for your support and patience!

Goals vs. Dreams

Both are attainable. Both are visible to your minds eye and easily expressed if someone asked,

“What are your goals? What are your dreams?”

They’re not always the same thing

But they are both a marathon nonetheless.

They take time to become tangible.

Patience for it to evolve into reality.

Diligence wrapped in determination.

I am a dreamer.

Does that make me a goaler too?

My dreams will take a lifetime to achieve.

My goals can be obtained in a matter of years.

Life is a fucked up marathon that never ends. Until it does.

And such as it is, that’s one marathon no one looks forward to finishing.


Dreams keep me motivated.

Goals piss me off then bring about self loathing and disappointment.

Both engulf our time. Working toward whatever.

Life, in retrospect, will be discouraging then rewarding.

It’ll be chaos, then peace.

The thing about marathons is you can’t stop.

You’ve got to carry on.

Keep on, keeping on.

~

Peace

AND THEN WE GOT THE VAN

Like many Americans, we’ve decided to cut our loses and scale down from paying rent, utilities, wasting energy in an apartment we’re never in, and live small in a big way.

AND SO WE GOT A 1989 VOLKSWAGEN VANAGON GL

We named him DR. VANAGONZO because (for me especially) Hunter Thompson is a great inspiration of ours and Gonzo style of participation (journalism) is what we intend to do. This is one band wagon we are happy to jump on. Most of the time we just call him

THE VAN

We’ve sat around and witnessed many instagrammers and bloggers living the van life, and I gotta say its an upgraded ideal of some twilight version of the gold rush. A gold rush to live a minimal, simple life where you can be as mobile as you need to be. Or as immobile as you please, hence the hash tag HOME IS WHERE YOU PARK IT.

Its an ideal lifestyle for our nomadic generation of millennials, always restless and curious. Itching to see that alleged America the beautiful we would sing about in our elementary days. And see it we shall, with a front row view and an open sky ahead.

img_4981

My nephew trying to have another jump session with Doc

There’s much to be done and we’re gonna be wandering 757 for a while trying to get the van road ready.

Doc is currently experiencing some exhaust and starting problems so he had to go see a man about a horse.  Our first priorities are the flooring and basic insulation of it. We’ve definitely taken on a huge project but this is something we are invested in and are eager to gain insight from.

In times like now, when the economy for middle class 20 somethings is a vicious cycle of work and pay, the amount of energy we were paying for and not even using was RIDICULOUS.

We want to be conscious of our footprint on the earth. We want to lead a simple life while doing minimal damage to our already polluted home. We don’t need an excessive amount of space or stuff.

In time, we’ll do a Subaru conversion to the van to maximize fuel efficiency as well.

And have solar panels hooked up for fully sustainable power.

But for now, Doc’s got to get himself up and running again. Until then.

~

Peace