Dealing with Depersonalization

This is a disorder I never had a name for. It was always just a phrase ‘I can’t tell the difference between reality and the dream world. It feels as though the dream state was my waking life and my conscious mind is a dream state.’ A feeling of separation from the body and mind and the world that surrounds them. Feelings of no control and lucidly watching your life pass before your eyes. A good friend of mine told me about that because I gave her that over used phrase and she said ‘Oh my gosh I’ve dealt with depersonalization and its so awful!’ I had no idea that was even a symptom or disorder I just figured I was going crazy and diving to far and deep into my subconscious that the lines between the worlds were becoming skewed.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

6a23da73c834619530a085e1f7e52133Depersonalization, or derealization, can occur as a symptom after a post traumatic stressor or other psychological disorders. It can happen in certain instants such as a panic attack or after the traumatic experience, but in some cases it can occur over the course of your life and become a terrifying time of unhinged mania.

Lately, since I haven’t been smoking weed, the sober life has been allowing me to dive into my dream world and better understand the deeper meanings they hold. However, since I have been having supreme lucid, vivid dreams, they feel too real. I can control the outcome, the timing, what I’m saying, all the factors, but in doing so, I wake up and can’t control this cosmic universe I live in and it drives me insane.

I feel like this is the wrong place, like I’m not supposed to be here, I should be elsewhere. Which is why I think I impulsively live my life, i.e. quit my job and leave the state without warning. It’s certainly not a conducive atmosphere to live in especially in this day and age being 23 and self reliant. So what do I do about this? Do I stop dream diving and let that study go?

Hell no.

Did you ever see the movie Inception? Of course you did, but you know how they have a totem? Something to keep them from blending realities and getting lost in the place they’ve created. That’s what I need. I need something to remind me that this is the world I am in and I belong to. The dream world is just that, the dream. Something I want to better understand while trying to understand this insane waking world I live in.

I’ll do some research into this and get back to you on it.

We’ll see how it goes.

In the mean time, I want to share some of the sleep rituals, methods and herbs that have helped  me dive into this study and have unhinged the door between the two worlds.




She Began to Dream

My dream recall is coming back. Things have been looking up. A promotion and fixed car, who can complain? Nirvana is blaring in the background clouding my thoughts but I don’t want to turn it down because, well, its Nirvana, you don’t do that. Goosebumps are crawling up my leg, to my back and arms, its gotten to my neck right as the AC shuts off leaving me with Kurt Cobain screaming at me.

On the focused side, I’ve been having dreams that I can verbalize and write down in an instant. I don’t have that many yet, but the few that I’ve had have been wild and mostly lucid, my apathy for writing down my memories is shameful and dumb. I need this information; I’m at a huge cross roads with what I want to do with my life and love, and I’m flowing with the energy. My back hurts, I need yoga with the outside air away from the city’s smog.

I’ll get there soon. It’ll come sooner than I want i guarantee. Thats just my luck. Always testing. I’ll report back with the analysis and some other dream studies soon!

Much love, many blessings

The Last of the Dream Logs

7:07pm Saturday Waxing Crescent

I’ve decided to post (tomorrow) all the dreams from the last days of 2015. Usually, I’m very picky about which dreams I make public because I like to have a full analysis and to have spent time with this dream; reminiscing, pondering, interpreting. However I have lost all touch with this blog (sadly) and what’s become of it. Apparently everyone else feels the same way because it doesn’t get as much traffic any more. Back to the point, dream reading and analysis were once a very huge portion of my life and studies, but now it’s just something I remember in the morning and simply let go of by the end of the day. Like I said, I’m out of touch.



Our dreams, in my personal experience, are our own messages to ourselves.

If that made any sense at all skip this paragraph. If it didn’t make sense allow me to make that less confusing. All beings have intuition; when we tell ourselves things. Convince and compel ourselves. Tempt and trust. Dreams are basically what we tell ourselves unconsciously. Parallel to the inner monologue and thoughts of the waking hours. Except they seem random and unrelated to our waking life, so they are ignored most of the time. Just another weird dream..

During our waking hours it’s (the spirit bringing about our energy to be able to think and dream etc.) our inner monologue of roaming thoughts. The little voice that doesn’t go away. Instead it turns into pictures and random, memory-like videos when we sleep. So if we over analyze our selves, thoughts, and situations when we are awake, then WHY do we not over analyze the thoughts, situations, and feelings one gets from dreams, nightmares, lucidity, and other astral-ethereal experience?

Well I decided to do just that. Mostly because I’ve had too many odd experiences with dreams to not dive deeper into their meanings and causes, etc. I used to sleep walk and talk to the point where it was a concern. So when a book called Conscious Dreaming by Robert Moss fell into my life, I have been publishing my personal dreams and analysis of their symbology for a couple months now. Maybe a year? I’m not sure, nevertheless I plan to continue this and attune myself once again to this skill.

Dreams are 1/3 of our life. Whether we remember them our not (we don’t remember our infant hood but it’s still a meaningful time of our life). We should really get to know ourselves a little better.



What is the Big Dream?

“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake”


I began a small business making recycled dreamcatchers and jewelry with my sister about two years ago. It hasn’t made much money because I was hoping for it to be a non profit collective, it had a rocky start and thus I’m relaunching the entire collective. We all have to start somewhere, and for me its in a tiny studio, on the floor, over the internet.

After a lot of thought and brainstorming, we came up with the name Sisters of the Big Dream. Now what is that? The Big Dream?  For me, it means the dream that we strive to achieve. The dream we want to become our reality. In a way its a new age version of anyones American Dream. Mine just so happens to be slightly stereotypical, struggling artist style. The Big Dream is something that we all have within us, that we are a part of. In a sense its life at its simplest. We are living in one big dream, an illusionary shadow world.

Being a sister or a brother of the Big Dream entails awareness of the reality that you create, not being afraid to try and fail to live what your passionate for and expressing it however you choose. For example, my sisterhood is built around healing our Mother Earth. Therefore everything that I make is mostly post-consumer (i.e. secondhand jewelry & scrap fabrics, litter/recyclable materials etc) and eco friendly. I also try my best to practice any form of conservation in every aspect of my life. Also, in time I hope to donate proceeds to an environmental organization.


Now where did my sister and I come up with Sisters of the Big Dream? Well when we were younger we were shown a song by Anderson Bruford Wakeman and Howe (of YES) called Brother of Mine. It is a spectacle of nature and human, and how we are one in the same. Seeing this at age 8 was like seeing a theatre show. It really hit home for us and was so fitting for our cause and creation. Thus SISTERS OF THE BIG DREAM was born.

This was the only video I could find of the actual music video. I wish it was the whole thing though!

“We are heroes; we  are dreamers of the big dream”

This is an example of just one of my many style dreamcatchers I make. This was a Solstice gift to my mother. The materials I made it with are recycled tubing, t shirts, scrap fabrics I’ve had, reused string, old glass beads, vintage buttons, and some feathers. Simple as that.

Drift wood, beach glass, and shells from Florida, t shirt fabric, string, and a recycled glowstick.

A recycled glowstick, string, and t shirt fabric.

I live my art, I live my dream, and my dreams are BIG


Dream Analysis~ Embracing the Goddess

While I had this dream I was partaking in an invitational on another social media and we were learning about different Goddesses and embracing our Divine Feminine and our Living Goddess within us.

I have always been self- conscious for some reason, maybe 3rd chakra blockage but whatever the cause I am changing it. I don’t like being with such low self esteem.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Amanda Sage and her artwork are a true display of embracing our Goddess. She has been an inspiration as well as many other beautiful cosmic women and Goddesses.

This was lucid, I woke up with ‘You Make Me Smile’ by Blue October, it was on December 21 into 22 (Winter Solstice sleep) and I’ll call the dream, Under Dis-Dressed.


Me and a bunch of my cousins were on the sidewalk just frittering about and my step brother and fiance announced that their wedding was right there and then. Naturally we all scrambled to get where we needed to be and I ended up in a school room. We were all in a line trying to figure out the reverse alpha-beta-tical order we were to be arranged in. I saw a lot of people I did and did not remember from high school days. Everyone was dressed in black and white formal and I, of course, was not in appropriate attire. The people who were first in line had to go up to the podium and say a 10 second speech. A girl ‘won’ and no one else got a chance to speak the teachers just picked the first person they liked. She was allowed to pass out papers. We all took our seats and the fellow sitting across from me looked like Wes Bentley and when we got our worksheets, it was a paper on the Divine Goddess and perseverance. We small talked quietly about making anti-bacterial babies (like in Brave New World). We were yelled at to be quiet and we did so. Then I woke up.


I think all my family symbolized my want to spend time and be more included since I don’t often see them, especially my step brother, some of my family of marriage just doesn’t feel real. It’s blatantly by law.  I was probably sent to a school because I still had learning to do. I needed to understand (that I won’t always be included even if it’s ‘socially expected’).  I believe me being under dressed was to say that I was out of place in my current settings and i felt isolated/ostracized some how, in this case being in casual when everyone else is in black and white tie.

The reverse alpha-beta-tical order stumped me and my first thought was everything in my life always ends up ass backwards and I never know where to go. So for this symbol I consulted my references. They had nothing to say. Perhaps just a random image of subconscious mystery.

Next, not being given a chance to say my ‘speech’ makes me wonder if I feel as though people don’t hear me, on a spiritual level. Being in a school, the references say that there is learning on a spiritual plane that needs to occur. Potentially I’m not saying what I need to spiritually that’s why I wasn’t even given a chance.

The Wes Bentley character I believe to just be my desire for the Divine Masculine in a physical form in my life. One that I can clearly see sitting right across from me.  And the reference to Brave New World, well that was simply a lingering imagination sign because I was reading that at the time.  Same with the Goddess worksheet, I was learning every day about new Goddesses and invoking my own Living Goddess within.


Dream Analysis~ DECODING MY MIND

I struggle with depression. Not on paper, but you should know if you have it. Because you don’t just ‘have’ it, doctor diagnosed or not, when you are depression, you just know.

So after reading ‘CONSCIOUS DREAMING’ by Robert Moss, I began using those crazy nightly images as a tool to figure out what the hell I’m doing wrong in life and why i get so sad about stupid confusion or uncertainty. Being my own dream dictionary and also consulting a dream encyclopedia in the mix has been some of the most helpful information one could receive from our higher self.

Not so Psyche Ward: UNDATED AND UNPROTECTED (no crystal therapy)

I was in an insane asylum but no one was insane and the people there knew that, but it was Jack Nicholson in ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ status. An old Taurus friend was there. I tried to escape, and I was caught, I was forced to come back to this place, and I blamed the Taurus because I saw her tell someone, through someone else’s eyes. The Taurus burst out crying and admitted the wrong doing. In response, I hugged that kid so tight in forgiveness.

That was it.

So the ward is how I feel about my surroundings. The current environment I’m in is very routine and typical american adult life. There is a lot of structure but I’m seeing it as a bad thing, it wouldn’t be a place I’d like to dwell in (such as a sane person wouldn’t want to go to an hospital)

I am an insane one trying to get out of the sane world. I clearly need a bit of adventure and escape. Subconsciously, I  long for a sense of freedom.

The old friend, is just past times I can’t let go of. I’m trying but clearly it didn’t work at that time, but I was trying to forgive what I can forget. In hugging them, that opened up a window to the escape of holding on the to the past and harsh feelings.

Even though I ended up back where I tried to escape, I can forgive what had occurred in said place of unhappiness.


Dream Analysis~ Sister Stress

This was a fairly lucid dream, so all the decisions I made were conscious and the words I used were thought about then applied to the situations.


>My sister and I were in a shopping center that we pass on a daily basis, and we were talking to, who I thought to be cartel of some kind, and it was all fine and dandy until I turn around and my sister and my niece are gone. I immediately go at the cartel people we were talking with because they had that air about them, but as it turns out they didn’t have her. I look to the street, and sure enough there is a beat old white truck, with a spiteful blonde girl in the driver seat, who said some thing like “she’s mine” or “you’ll never see her again”…something like that I don’t recall the words. My sister was sound asleep in the back seat of this truck and the chick drove south. My niece was no longer in the picture for some reason. So I go back to the cartel people in the shopping center, and I asked them to help and follow her. They agreed thankfully. We all hauled in the the car and headed north. I started yelling and freaking out saying “Why the fuck are we going north?! You saw that bitch go south we’ve gotta follow her! catch up!” His response, “I have to go up here to make a U-turn.” I thought about it for a second and remember asking myself (not out loud to them), why the hell do we need to u-turn? if we had gone left we’d be close to them by now. Then suddenly we all were back in the shopping center and my sister just showed back up with my niece. Then my mother interrupted and woke me up.

There were other dreams last night but I can’t recall any as vividly as this one.

Now for the analysis…..

So my sister and I are VERY close. I like to think she’s one of my best friends as well as my blood. We’ve been through very thick and thin times together, and we understand each other more importantly. There’s been a lot of discussion about her moving out again, which I’m fine with, because she is considering having me live with her as well as her fiance and children. But I suppose the fact that some one took her away, I’m worried about losing her on some level. Same for my niece as well. It could also maybe mean our bond is drifting apart. I’m still not sure on that part. Then the cartel people I believe to be bad choices/decisions my sister has or have been making (she initiated the conversation with the cartel people).

Potentially it could mean I have to help her when she makes these decisions; possibly I’m stressed about having that obligation. Although, it’s not an obligation it’s my choice to help her.

As for the blonde in the truck…I’m just biased because there are very few blondes in my family, and stereo-typically blondes are sassy and rude or stuck up or whatever people say (i’m honestly not sure what the stereotype is). The white truck is just a manifestation of vehicles I don’t like. People who own trucks, in my opinion, have bigger egos than others and tend to be more aggressive drivers. And I guess I just don’t like them. Not sure. The white could just be me filling in the blanks because research says we dream in black and white then fill the colors when we go back into the waking world. We also have a white truck that died outside our house, that I constantly see, possibly another filler.

The u-turn also stuck out to me. That could mean that things will “turn around” while trying to help my sister. After the “u-turn” things will return to normal…back to the shopping center…and then all will be well.


That’s just what I believe the possibilities are. As a control I’ll start looking up the general interpretations to contrast with my personal interpretations of it.