This is a disorder I never had a name for. It was always just a phrase ‘I can’t tell the difference between reality and the dream world. It feels as though the dream state was my waking life and my conscious mind is a dream state.’ A feeling of separation from the body and mind and the world that surrounds them. Feelings of no control and lucidly watching your life pass before your eyes. A good friend of mine told me about that because I gave her that over used phrase and she said ‘Oh my gosh I’ve dealt with depersonalization and its so awful!’ I had no idea that was even a symptom or disorder I just figured I was going crazy and diving to far and deep into my subconscious that the lines between the worlds were becoming skewed.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Depersonalization, or derealization, can occur as a symptom after a post traumatic stressor or other psychological disorders. It can happen in certain instants such as a panic attack or after the traumatic experience, but in some cases it can occur over the course of your life and become a terrifying time of unhinged mania.
Lately, since I haven’t been smoking weed, the sober life has been allowing me to dive into my dream world and better understand the deeper meanings they hold. However, since I have been having supreme lucid, vivid dreams, they feel too real. I can control the outcome, the timing, what I’m saying, all the factors, but in doing so, I wake up and can’t control this cosmic universe I live in and it drives me insane.
I feel like this is the wrong place, like I’m not supposed to be here, I should be elsewhere. Which is why I think I impulsively live my life, i.e. quit my job and leave the state without warning. It’s certainly not a conducive atmosphere to live in especially in this day and age being 23 and self reliant. So what do I do about this? Do I stop dream diving and let that study go?
Did you ever see the movie Inception? Of course you did, but you know how they have a totem? Something to keep them from blending realities and getting lost in the place they’ve created. That’s what I need. I need something to remind me that this is the world I am in and I belong to. The dream world is just that, the dream. Something I want to better understand while trying to understand this insane waking world I live in.
I’ll do some research into this and get back to you on it.
We’ll see how it goes.
In the mean time, I want to share some of the sleep rituals, methods and herbs that have helped me dive into this study and have unhinged the door between the two worlds.