Sing louder

I haven’t ever published anything with me actually singing. This isn’t a very good video, I’m being very shy and conscious of the sleeping person in another room. 

I am making a conscious effort to sing more, louder, and share it. In person or viral. This will be the only blog to have these. Not YouTube, not Tumblr , Facebook, instagram, or Pinterest. Damn I hate how many social media sites I have. 

I do not like my singing voice. I really hate my standard speaking voice. However, the feedback I’ve gotten on the street and in the trees is positive so..

Here I am.

Soul meets body – death cab for cutie 

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Accidental love 


In the tall grass, 

here we lay 

under the night stars 

so far a way. 

Making up 

constellations, 

in your arms 

I felt so small 

just so far 

from it all 

and if I could tell you my truth 

I’d tell you that you are everything 

I want and more. 

So I’ll tell you the truth 

you mean more to me 

than the moon and stars and the moon

Western society, patient. Yet again.

Go Get Grounded 

It’s funny Virginia Beach has been my grounding space. Every time I travel and go away, run away, fly instead of fix, flight instead of fight, I suppose I end up doing something wrong and my punishment is coming back here. To this place where I’ve grown the most. I always saw that as a bad thing but when you’re grounded.. the word in itself.. you are grounded, in need to get back to this earth, remember what’s important. No TV, no distractions, nothing fun, etc. sit and read. It’s difficult getting back on your path, becoming grounded because it’s easy to forget, lose sight. easy to get lost in the millions and trillions of megabytes and pixels of phone and internet data. 

Being grounded is a blessing. 

it is truly helpful. I never really got grounded when I was a kid but I tell myself these words regularly. stay grounded, don’t lose your head in the clouds. You’ll dissolve just as they will, falling down into the earth and evaporating into the masses. 

 Don’t stay up in the air for too long, you’ll forget what gravity feels like. 

A Killer Record Collection & PTSD

Nervous

HA. This was the most perfect daily post word, ironic and universal. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted on the daily post blog, but I’m happy to be back and partaking in this community. So thank you, if you are reading this.

I’ve always been nervous. Everyone gets that feeling. The butterflies in stomach, the sweat before a big interview, meeting a mate from the internet in person. Life is nervous making.

During my time in Richmond, I was given the victim hat. That is a hat I never knew how to wear. I try to be the warrior, the mega optimist in all this diarrhea we wade through. But Richmond fucked me up. People ask what happened, how was it, etc. My response, I got a killer record collection and PTSD.

I’m seeing a therapist, I may have to be on anti-anxiety medication or some kind of anti depression which is something I have ALWAYS detested and rejected.

I don’t want to be medicated, I don’t want to be inhibited, I don’t want to have to depend on some drug to make me feel better. That’s why I don’t smoke weed anymore, I try to distain from alcohol, that doesn’t always work but who cares.

But I’m so fucking nervous.

I’m freaking out internally, and occasionally external, about being a ‘victim’, having PTSD, paranoid about walking out to my car by myself, nervous to get a new job, nervous to be alone. There’s so many things that seem to be spiking my already off the charts anxiety. I can barely leave my apartment. I can’t talk to anyone besides my therapist without screaming and going crazy about whatever they’re asking.

I need to breathe.

Even writing this I’m becoming heightened and tense just thinking about that time and admitting my discontent.

I’m in such severe breath debt because of all the disgusting bologna sandwiches I’ve unwilling ingested.

How do we not be nervous? How do I shake the constant feeling of uselessness and timid angst?

Meditate? Move back in with my parents? Leave my boyfriend?

The only solution I’ve come to believe is its in me. The knowledge and advice I need is in me. It may not be an obvious solution, but inside is where it lies. I’ll have to work hard to decipher the code.

It takes time to heal; I always think i’ll wake up one day and be okay. I already am okay. I can’t rush through this life lesson. No spark notes available for how to deal with over anxious, nervous PTSD, depressive tendencies.

Like I said in one of my last posts, I’m trying to embrace my dark, shadow side to better understand how to cope with all this pollution that’s been thrown into my river of peace.

I was also listening to the PERFECT podcast by Aubrey Marcus and Anahata Anada, heres the link;

Healing trauma and planting roots

Namaste

Dealing with Depersonalization

This is a disorder I never had a name for. It was always just a phrase ‘I can’t tell the difference between reality and the dream world. It feels as though the dream state was my waking life and my conscious mind is a dream state.’ A feeling of separation from the body and mind and the world that surrounds them. Feelings of no control and lucidly watching your life pass before your eyes. A good friend of mine told me about that because I gave her that over used phrase and she said ‘Oh my gosh I’ve dealt with depersonalization and its so awful!’ I had no idea that was even a symptom or disorder I just figured I was going crazy and diving to far and deep into my subconscious that the lines between the worlds were becoming skewed.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

6a23da73c834619530a085e1f7e52133Depersonalization, or derealization, can occur as a symptom after a post traumatic stressor or other psychological disorders. It can happen in certain instants such as a panic attack or after the traumatic experience, but in some cases it can occur over the course of your life and become a terrifying time of unhinged mania.

Lately, since I haven’t been smoking weed, the sober life has been allowing me to dive into my dream world and better understand the deeper meanings they hold. However, since I have been having supreme lucid, vivid dreams, they feel too real. I can control the outcome, the timing, what I’m saying, all the factors, but in doing so, I wake up and can’t control this cosmic universe I live in and it drives me insane.

I feel like this is the wrong place, like I’m not supposed to be here, I should be elsewhere. Which is why I think I impulsively live my life, i.e. quit my job and leave the state without warning. It’s certainly not a conducive atmosphere to live in especially in this day and age being 23 and self reliant. So what do I do about this? Do I stop dream diving and let that study go?

Hell no.

Did you ever see the movie Inception? Of course you did, but you know how they have a totem? Something to keep them from blending realities and getting lost in the place they’ve created. That’s what I need. I need something to remind me that this is the world I am in and I belong to. The dream world is just that, the dream. Something I want to better understand while trying to understand this insane waking world I live in.

I’ll do some research into this and get back to you on it.

We’ll see how it goes.

In the mean time, I want to share some of the sleep rituals, methods and herbs that have helped  me dive into this study and have unhinged the door between the two worlds.

 Namaste

sources-http://www.minddisorders.com/Del-Fi/Depersonalization-disorder.html